Today was a bad one

Whenever people ask me how am I dealing with my husbands deployment, I have a couple of generic phrases in my arsenal ready at a moments notice so I don't have to register any emotions or reality into my responses. The less time I use, the safer it is.

"How are you doing?"

What I really want to say to stay truthful is way to painful to dish on someone who is mearly a casual friend or co-worker so I usually end up saying

"I have good days and bad days."

I mean really, if I broke down every time someone asked me that, I wouldn't have a tear left in my body. I would have dried up weeks ago from crying 50 times a day, you can't do that, that's not a life. I do the best I can with each day I as it comes. The most ironic part of it is is that 99% of the time the people asking these questions are the people who are not military spouses. From these people I usually get the "He's gone for how long?" or the "I could NEVER be without MY husband for that long" <--classic...like I really want to listen to that.

And on the spectrum of good days and bad...well....today was bad. I don't know if it was the night shift at work the night before, the lack of sleep or the now 3rd ER job rejection. (Two weeks ago they told me that the position I was appropriate for wasn't yet approved by upper management, today they were kind enough to e-mail me and tell me that said position has already been filled) Maybe it was the fact that I haven't herd my husbands voice in almost 3 weeks, maybe it's that everyone around me seems to have nothing but sun-shiny things to say about themselves. Maybe it was a little bit of everything, but today I spent the entire day with my stomach in my throat. I found myself staring out into space for minutes at a time, my mind totally blank. When I woke up around 1 this afternoon I went into my closet to pick out some jeans, and a couple of Kyle's ball-caps fell off of a shelf. I picked one up and just stared at it, I don't know how much time went past before I put it back on his side of the closet, but I found myself looking at all of his shirts and ties, just staring...

I feel like I'm empty inside. I can't describe it better but to say that my heart is using this emptyness as a defense mechanism for me. That feeling the raw reality of how much I miss my husband is just too exausting to even consider...

I am so tired, so I just feel nothing....

today....today was a bad one....